I know

I know I am wrong. I know I am not perfect. I know some things. I know he lied to me. I know I am fooling myself to think that he is being faithful. I know no one is. Why does it sting so much? Why can I not resolve the internal conflict? Why did he lie and why cannot I not tell him that I know he lied? Why am I so weak? So he lied, what do I do? Fuck, love is so hard. Why cant people be honest? Why cant I be honest? Do others just accept the fact there are forces that interfere with love and relationship. I love him more than life itself, but I cannot accept that he lied to me. If he can lie about a $97.76 purchase, he can lie about fucking some other guy. Maybe I am a romantic. Maybe I expect things to be a certain way. Why do I have to live like this? Why did he have to lie to me?

Is he fucked up, or is it me?

I have had this conversation with my boyfriend, 3 times. You know the one about having pics, attached to various profiles. As innocent as they may be, why does he feel the need to put his picture up. I am so fucking angry, especially after he promised me he would not do it again. I cannot see why someone who is in a committed relationship has their pics online, for any reason whatsoever. Blog spot, innocent site, whatever, it should not be there and I am fucking tired of it. Part of my problem lies in the distrust I show him, but hey, when you have a hunch, why not check into it. You have no idea how fucking mad I am and how much this has made me even more mad. I dare not bring up the topic of trust or attempt to feel out whether or not he is being faithful. I do trust him, but when I see this shit, it makes me wonder. Am I being stupid?

So many questions yet unanswered

I remember when I was younger, life was so less complicated. Life now is so not the way I remember it. I think that I crave simplicity as I recall it. No worries, no committments, no responsibility. I remember good times and bad times. More bad, but that is just me, tragic to the end. I can't see the future at this point and I am not sure I want to. I have my doubts about where life is taking me. The love I have in my heart remains, but I can see how it could fade. Nonetheless, that love will always will be placed first and foremost, I think it helps to heal the ache we all suffer, love is a complicated thing to, but I believe in the purest form, it can be the most amazing anti-depressant. I thank the gods for my ability to love. You know sometimes I go through life in a haze, I can't see clearly, it is a strange feeling. I feel and see nothing, it is blurred. To-Do lists are needed or else I forget. my mood now is very somber and realistic. The weather is perfect, the sky blue. My heart is sad now and until the time comes where he and I are living in the same city/place. This is the hardest time of my life being without him, I am managing with a lot of porn and self medicating with wine and now pot. Oh but how it makes me feel, the wonderful feeling of not feeling...