So many questions yet unanswered

I remember when I was younger, life was so less complicated. Life now is so not the way I remember it. I think that I crave simplicity as I recall it. No worries, no committments, no responsibility. I remember good times and bad times. More bad, but that is just me, tragic to the end. I can't see the future at this point and I am not sure I want to. I have my doubts about where life is taking me. The love I have in my heart remains, but I can see how it could fade. Nonetheless, that love will always will be placed first and foremost, I think it helps to heal the ache we all suffer, love is a complicated thing to, but I believe in the purest form, it can be the most amazing anti-depressant. I thank the gods for my ability to love. You know sometimes I go through life in a haze, I can't see clearly, it is a strange feeling. I feel and see nothing, it is blurred. To-Do lists are needed or else I forget. my mood now is very somber and realistic. The weather is perfect, the sky blue. My heart is sad now and until the time comes where he and I are living in the same city/place. This is the hardest time of my life being without him, I am managing with a lot of porn and self medicating with wine and now pot. Oh but how it makes me feel, the wonderful feeling of not feeling...